My Postpartum Journey: Healing Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, Adrenal Fatigue & Depletion
Here Lauren shares how she was struggling postpartum with anxiety, depression, insomnia, and more. She shares her postpartum journey to help other struggling mothers, in an effort to bring more support to all mothers postpartum.
Flawed Foundations of Health
When I found out I was pregnant in early December 2019 (on my 30th birthday to be exact), I thought, “Wow, I am so glad I did so much work on my health and ‘cleansing’ my body ahead of time!”
I was a certified health coach, and at the time was very high on smoothies, fruit, veggies, and green juices. I was decently low on fat, meat, and fish.
Additionally, I was dairy-free, gluten & grain-free, egg-free, soy-free, corn-free – all of the “frees,” really. I did all of this in an effort to heal rosacea, leaky gut, candida, SIBO, remove “bacteria and viruses”, and more.
Yet, I didn’t realize that with this way of eating, there was no amount of celery juice that would heal the root cause of what I was experiencing. While removing some harder-to-digest and toxic ingredients, things certainly improved, but never really quite got there.
I also wrecked my blood sugar regulation with the high carb (even though mostly healthy carbs), low-fat way of eating. I always felt tired and hangry – and didn’t really have a ton of energy at the end of the workday to work out.
Therefore, healthy movement was also not a part of my everyday life.
Trauma & Anxiety
Another health struggle I always had was being prone to anxiety. I had an unregulated nervous system since I was a small child. Yet, I thought that was just a part of my personality. I knew of certain events in my childhood that occurred, and that explained why certain things “triggered” me.
Yet, I never truly thought I had any trauma. After all, I wasn’t in a war or major accident.
I went to therapy and other forms of coaching to try and feel like I had some level of support in what had always felt like a very unsafe, scary world. Due to this, I expected every person in my life to hurt and betray me. I didn’t know that this was not normal. I didn’t know that it didn’t need to be this way.
Now I know that already having some foundational health principles missing, and the lack of nervous system regulation + trauma stored in my body, I already had a predisposition to postpartum depression and anxiety going into pregnancy. Little did I know how much of this would be a part of my postpartum journey.
Pregnant During a Pandemic
Then, just as I was moving into my second trimester, March 2020 happened.
Covid was here to stay, and the world shut down.
I had already moved to another part of the country, away from my family. I had only been in this new state for a year in a half. Before March 2020 I thought it didn’t matter, that I’d be able to see my new friends here and family can travel here – that I’d have plenty of support.
Oh, how wrong I was.
I stayed up at night wondering if I would lose my job, if the economy was going to collapse, how would we get by?
Being pregnant for the first time can be scary enough, but with the world shutting down in a global pandemic, where we are taught to fear each other, with so much uncertainty – I began experiencing debilitating anxiety every day.
My boyfriend Mat and our cat Jude were the only two living beings (besides my OBGYN office) that I would have any human interaction with.
Mat went through his own journey mentally and emotionally towards becoming a father, and so we were both individually and together as soon-to-be new parents going through an enormous rollercoaster.
It seemed like one thing after another we were continually hit with. My anxiety levels had never been higher in my life, for the large majority of my entire pregnancy.
Lessening My Load
As I was entering my third trimester, my doctor wrote me out of work for 3 weeks, with the diagnosis of prenatal depression. That three weeks did wonders for my mental health. I received space, came back to myself without the high-stress job, and without trying to put on a brave, happy face on back-to-back Zoom calls.
I felt like I could actually start “nesting” and preparing myself, amidst all of this chaos, for the big identity shift I was about to embark on.
Already Failing?
When I came back to work, I had about a month left until my due date. As the due date approached, I got the constant “Why aren’t you in labor yet??”
Oh, how triggering this was for the perfectionist in me, feeling like my body was already letting people down. When my due date came and went, I had to put my phone on do not disturb. I, then, had a doctor say to me, “If we do not induce you, you are putting your baby at risk.”
At this point, I was 1 week past my due date. The average first-time mom goes into labor around 41 weeks (things no one tells you!).
We were also both being monitored, and both were showing as totally healthy. I also knew that my own mother carried me for 42 weeks as well.
So, part of me felt like nothing was wrong, but the other part of me felt such pressure, having always been a people pleaser. And of course, I wanted my baby to be here and be less physically uncomfortable.
As another couple of days went by, I truly started feeling like my body was failing me, that I was already failing as a mom. Why wasn’t my labor happening yet? What did I do wrong?
When we got the call to come in for an induction, we jumped at it.
We were quite naive about the process. We thought we’d have the baby that day, but it would be a full four days of induction and labor.
FOUR DAYS!
With very little sleep, uncomfortable procedures, and different doctors coming in and telling us something completely different each time. It was enough to make our heads spin.
Reigniting the Fire Within Me
The moment my water broke was near the end of the third day, and another doctor gave us the opposite advice of the last. I stood up and yelled, “That’s enough! I’m going home!”
Just like in the movies, my water broke at that very moment. There was no going home at that point!
When I was in active labor the next morning, I found a fire within myself that I had forgotten existed.
There were certainly moments where I thought, “oh God how will I survive this??” But then, came a stillness as my doula held me, I calmed, and I mentally knew that I could do this.
It was pure bliss getting to see this perfect baby, my beautiful son Liam.
It felt like I had waited a lifetime for him – and he was my biggest dream come true.
Bliss & Overwhelm
Our first few weeks at home with him were bliss. Yet, they were also filled with such overwhelm and the realization that no, we can’t adjust to this big life change on our own with constant disrupted sleep. We needed “the village”.
Mat’s parents who lived about 2 hours away were able to come to see us and help every so often. Mat and I took sleeping shifts. I started to get into a rhythm with breastfeeding and pumping. The first month was hard, tiring, but absolute bliss.
After a month, Mat had to go back to work. We ended the shifts, thinking that I now needed to be up with the baby all night and then up with him the entire day while he worked.
That’s when our system came crashing down.
Fight or Flight
I could not function being up in the middle of the night. Also, I could not easily fall back asleep when Liam would sleep. I felt that I had to be constantly on guard, constantly hyper-vigilant. Without having the shifts that we used to have, I didn’t feel like I could truly “rest” anymore.
My already anxiety-prone self started exhibiting signs of PTSD from the trauma of my induced labor and the isolation we had been enduring. I felt totally isolated, scared, and unable to perform everyday tasks. Additionally, I was having a hard time taking care of Liam on my own.
I felt constantly very weak, very dizzy, and completely depleted. This was the start of adrenal fatigue, but I didn’t realize it. I kept being told, “Oh just eat more” while I was dizzy. This made me gain more weight but did nothing to help my dizziness.
When I would stop and do some deep breathing, the dizziness would subside. That’s when I realized the dizziness was anxiety.
I recall explaining that it felt like the “fight or flight button in my body was turned all the way up, but the button was broken and wouldn’t turn back down.”
At this time, I resisted medication. I was so anxious thinking about how the medication would hurt Liam (due to breastfeeding) or me long-term.
Always, I had been such a “natural healing” type of person that I thought there must be other things I could do to “fix” me.
Around the time I was supposed to be going back to work, where we lived, Covid had the worst numbers. Our only shot at childcare at the time was to hire a nanny. Yet, we had a hard time finding one. Of course, feeling uncomfortable in this state of the pandemic.
Additional Trauma
I had to take additional time off. During this time, I found out I was expecting again, and then lost the pregnancy. I was in a state of shock and grief, and this further compounded the trauma I was already experiencing.
A week later, I started an over one-year struggle with insomnia. I could fall asleep, but I couldn’t stay asleep. I was “wired but tired”. It felt like the worst torture to feel so exhausted, in so much pain from sleep deprivation, but you can’t sleep.
I began gaining weight around my waist (classic adrenal fatigue). Also, I had achy joints and just tried to survive each day.
I recall having such a hard bout of insomnia on Liam’s first birthday. Hiding away from those who came over to celebrate, I cried in the bathroom.
When I look back at the pictures, I can see the pain and tiredness in my eyes. I can see the anxiety. I can see how my body felt so out of balance with cortisol.
Rock Bottom
I recall my lowest point during my postpartum period. I was crying on the couch and truly thinking that Mat and Liam would be better off without me here.
That I was a complete burden in every way, a failure of a mother, a failure of a partner to Mat, with no capacity to be a friend or anything else. That night I said I wanted to take my own life. Driven to the hospital, I begged to be taken there because I just wanted someone to help me and take care of me so badly.
I needed support, to be nurtured. I needed someone to help me with my physical, emotional, and mental health.
My experience at the hospital was anything but this.
I was put into a holding unit, with no doors and no privacy. Laying next to someone else who is handcuffed to their bed because they were arrested, drunk, and they were medically knocked out to sleep.
It was the scariest night of my life.
After being evaluated, I was told I could go home. And to follow up with my therapist and gain more medical help, but this experience just further shocked my system.
I felt like there was just no way to get the support or nurturing that I needed.
We soon realized we needed to use our savings and get an overnight nanny. This would help us get more rest at night and help us more support through this journey. This was life-saving.
Of course, we had interruptions due to Covid exposures. Yet, the short time we were able to have this helped tremendously, and gave us a glimpse of hope and having more support.
Finally Healing
In 2021, I began working with Maranda Bower as my postpartum healing coach. She taught me an entirely different way to each to support the postpartum body.
It was hard for me to initially accept because it was high protein, high fat, and lots of eggs and bone broth. This was SUCH a departure from my plant-based, low-fat way of eating.
Over time, I realized how much calmer, more grounded, and just overall better I felt while on her eating plan. I felt like my gut was finally so much happier after years of having gut imbalances.
It still took many more months of me second-guessing, thinking I should go back to the way I ate before because it “worked” for me then (and I know now it really didn’t…).
However, I can say with certainty, that without learning how to properly feed and nourish my postpartum body, I would not be typing this blog post right now.
I completed Maranda’s Postpartum University Postpartum Nutrition Certification and continue to immerse myself in this education every day.
Deeper Learning
Beyond diet, I then started to learn about nervous system regulation. I learned about trauma being stored in our bodies. That began my next course of study into Somatic Healing.
After implementing the nervous system regulation strategies I began studying, finally accepting the help of medication (Zoloft) while working through deep-rooted traumas, and eating higher fat, higher protein meals – I began sleeping at night again. I was making my way through my postpartum journey.
I feel stronger again.
And, I actually have the energy to want to go outside and garden, something unthinkable one year ago. It feels amazing, like I’m making up for lost time in getting to be present and enjoy the gift that my son Liam is.
I can finally say, I have peace in postpartum.
I know that I am not alone.
While my exact story may be unique, many, MANY other mothers have their own stories, with very similar postpartum journeys.
And now, it is my honor and privilege to provide support to women struggling with their postpartum journey to find healing, find regulation, find balance, and find that same peace.
I will be offering one-on-one support and online courses on how to support ourselves mind, body, and soul postpartum.
If you’d like support during your postpartum journey, please reach out to me, and we can talk through my options of working together.
With love,
Lauren